I don't want a big life
enough is enough
Hi friends! Thanks so much for subscribing & supporting me in this space. Every time someone clicks the little ❤️ or shares or comments or sends me an email/text about something I’ve written, my heart grows three sizes. I know I’ve been wildly inconsistent over the past year. So thank you thank you for sticking around.
I don’t want a big life. This feels embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. I want a good life. I want a deeply enriching life. I want a life full of love and friendship and reciprocity. I want a curious and creative life. I want an expansive life. I want a life that feels like enough, free from the need to perpetually pursue or acquire more. I want a fulfilling life. I want a life that asks me to be only what I am, that demands no pretense or posturing. I want a life that feels spacious, with room to express both my joy and my grief. I want a life of service and generosity. I want an honest life. I want a life defined by care — both for others and for myself. I want a small life, a simple life, a quiet life. I want a life that makes better the lives of those around me, rippling out to folks who aren’t even aware I exist. I want to acknowledge my insignificance but know my life is of consequence. I want to go largely unnoticed but still know I am needed.
Is this possible? Is this ridiculous? Does it sound trite to read?
Earlier this week I shared to instagram a sort of ode to my tiny acupuncture practice, explaining that I have zero interest in growing it any bigger or opening some sort of clinic or hiring other practitioners to work for me. My business is small but mighty. I sustains my life. It keeps me clothed and fed and supports my (extremely high maintenance) feline familiars. I have the privilege of working with many wonderful, beautiful people within the four walls of my very modest (but lovely and lovingly curated) space. I am content with the scope of my practice and know perpetual, exponential growth is unsustainable for my life. (For anyone’s life — and for the planet — I would argue.) My focus these days is on having enough. Enough money, enough success, enough effort, enough growth, enough external validation. But also: enough time, enough space, enough joy, enough connection, enough creative expression, enough movement, enough rest, enough ease, enough energy, enough books (not possible), enough cats (joking, kind of), enough appreciation for my life and all the good it contains.
One of my favorite writers and creators, Nic Antoinette, talks often about creating a “right-fit life.” I love this idea. What would it look like if more of us did so? How much further could all the available resources spread?
I used to feel shame about the smallness of my life. Now, it’s one of the things about which I feel most proud. I won’t pretend to never compare myself to those living bigger lives than mine, I won’t claim to never envy what other people have. Because I do. I’m human and flawed and I live in a capitalist society that sends me never-ending messages about the purported imperative to covet and accumulate more. But as I grow evermore certain of my most deeply-held values and get honest with myself about WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT, these moments of envy — and the inevitable feelings of lack they engender — become increasingly short lived and less disruptive to my days. I am able to pause and to ask: Do I feel envy because I TRULY want what they have or is the envy a reflex, a relic of what my conditioning has tried to convince me to crave?
So, no. I don’t want a big life. I want a good life. I want a kind life. I want a right-sized life. And I want a life in which enough feels like (and actually is) enough.
“Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” ~Desmond Tutu
I’ll let Mary Oliver close this one out:
Sending love to all who see this.
xoxo
2. Don’t Believe Him by Ezra Klein (the audio version)
3. the cure to being ugly and unstylish is going outside
4. Why Doctors Test Too Much (And why it’s bad for patients)
5. The Cancer Scams That Foreshadowed MAHA
6. Nic Antoinette on the Common Shapes podcast with Cody Cook-Parrot — a great conversation for anyone exploring their own ideas about enoughness, especially if you’re self-employed and/or run a small business
7. The person I’ve become since I left social media — REALLY makes me consider leaving instagram entirely (I’m not ready yet, but someday probably!)
8. How to Subscribe to All the Substacks You Love Without Losing Your Mind — helpful if you, like me, hate email but want to keep up with all the writers you love
9. Where the magic happens:
felt this in my bones!
This is really beautiful!